Withering away
by beyoncypadthai
Summary: Gillian is tired and lonely. Cal has treated her terribly and she has had enough. A face from the past helps her take charge of her life again.
1. Chapter 1

This is set in the beginning of season three around episode three _Dirty Loyal._

* * *

She woke on a Saturday morning, her head pounding and her heart felt empty. She was angry at him, but mostly sad. It broke her heart that he could so easily treat her this way, especially because she knew that despite his rough exterior and his nonchalant attitude, he was very loyal, affectionate and soft, even though that was deep, deep down, and his great fear of abandonment created this facade to protect him from possible hurt. His mother's parting had caused his heart to be suspicious, wary, and very protective, but despite that he loved with such passion that the few he had shared it with, were forever affected by the pure strength of it. His relationship with Zoe proved that. Their love was a tumultuous one, which in the end proved to be stronger than either of them could control, so lest it destroy them both Zoe left. Cal was absolutely devastated when she left, and was longer to recover then most people knew. To this day their love still lingers, a shadow of its past strength, but still too strong to completely die.

Gillian knew Cal loved her, but what frightened her more then all the mean words he spat at her, was the fear that his love for her wasn't strong enough to survive. That it would slowly wither away, and he would become indifferent about her. The mere thought of that chilled her bones. She contemplated having wine for breakfast, but quickly pushed that thought from her mind. She had spent a majority of her life taking care of other people, she always put others needs before her own. But as she looked out her kitchen window at the leaves falling to the ground, indicating that autumn was finally here, she felt as if she was that tree, and her leaves were her care and love and protection of the people she loved. Cal was like the wind that blew away her leaves, until she stood there bare and alone, with only the streetlamp for company. She had enough. She needed to take care of herself now, she had no more leaves to shed for him.

She got dressed in tight fitting burgundy dress and her favourite heels, and she began to feel a little like herself again. She realised that recently all her days were spent thinking about him in one way or another. What sort of trouble he was getting himself into, what kind of trouble he was getting her and their company into, what he was doing... This needed to stop. She was turning into a bystander in her own life, where everything revolved around him. She needed to feel like herself again. She grabbed her purse and walked out into the refreshing crisp autumn air.

She had a late breakfast at her favourite small cafe downtown. It was too long since she had come here. She sat with her coffee and a very large slice of chocolate cake and looked around. There was a young couple holding hands sat at the next table, and a mother with a stroller enjoying the peace and quiet while her baby slept. Quite a few people sat with their laptops writing away, and a tourist was taking very loudly on Skype. The atmosphere in the cafe was very relaxing. She took a sip of her coffee and noticed a handsome man in his early forties smiling at her as he gathered his laptop and coat. She smiled back and took a large bit of cake. The handsome man walked out and looked at her as he closed the cafe door. Gillian smiled again, this was turning out to be a rather excellent morning, and she couldn't shake the feeling of this being a new beginning for her.

She got ready to leave, and decided that she would look around the bookstore on the corner. She had always loved books, for as long as she remembered. Books were her haven when her father drank through her childhood, they were her anchor and her first love. Whenever she needed to step out from reality, she would pick a book and sit in her closet with a flashlight for hours, getting lost in each fictional world after another. She had read very little except budget reports and work files for a too long.

The walk to the bookstore was nice. The weather was getting a bit colder and she clutched her scarf around her and breathed in the air. Autumn had always been her favourite season. When she was a child it has meant the beginning of the school year and spending less time at home in a tense household. It symbolised new beginnings, a fresh start and exciting times, and that feeling kept. A small bell rang as she opened the door to the bookstore. This store was in an old building with four floors and many nooks and staircases all around, it felt quite magical in there. Gillian walked around, touching the stems of the books, until she found an interesting one. She was reading the back cover and walking towards a comfy chair when she collided with a dark haired man.

-Oh, I'm sorry, She said as she looked up from the book

-No proble... The man stopped mid word

They looked at each other for a long while

-Gillian, he finally said

-Alec, she responded shocked.

He bend forward and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

-It's nice to see you- he said and smiled, and Gillian saw that he was genuinely pleased to see her.

-You too, she smiled back.

-Find something good? He asked, pointing to the book in her hand.

-What, oh, she said a little slow to realise what he meant.

-Um, I don't really know, she contemplated the book in her hand.

-I like the author, she said looking at the author's photo on the back.

Gillian hadn't seen her ex-husband in almost two years. The last she had heard, he had moved from the city. She couldn't stop looking at him. He looked healthy. He was wearing blue pants, a plaid shirt and tweed jacket, and although he looked very handsome and stylish, she thought this very strange. He had never, in their whole marriage wore anything like this. But his outfit suited him, and in a way he looked much more comfortable then in his old suit, which was his uniform throughout their marriage. He reminded her of the global economics grad student she had first fallen in love with, when they were both in university. At that time he was full of romantic ideals about the world, before the capitalistic allure of DC had pulled him in.

Gillian realised that Alec was looking at her and smiling. He looked like a new person.

-You look wonderful Gillian, he said

-Thank you. So do you, she pointed to his outfit, -You look different, she said and then said with a small sad smile

-You look like you're happy.

She didn't realise why that made her sad. She hadn't really spared a thought his way since their divorce. But seeing him now made her painfully aware of how long she had stayed in a unhappy marriage, and the fact that he looked like a new man made her contemplate whether being with her had held his back his happiness.

-I am, he said simply

Then as if he was stealing himself he said- Do you want to take a walk with me, and catch up? He looked hopeful at her.

-Sure, she said despite her slight trepidation

They walked out together and made their way to nowhere in particular. The silence between them was a bit awkward but still amicable.

-How are you? He asked

-Oh, fine, and you? Gillian said, but she sounded distant

-I'm good. Really good actually. Alec smiled, and there was something so different about his smile. He had rarely smiled like this during the last years of their marriage, a true happiness smile, with crinkled eyes and all.

-I'm clean, he added and looked directly into her eyes.

-I'm glad, she answered and she meant it.

-I, um, quit the State Department. It was not a good environment for me. He glanced a look at her and then continued.

-When you left I spiraled out of control. I did many things I'm not proud of. - A look of shame pasted his eyes. -But one night I got home, really out of it, and I thought, what's the point of all this, what's the point of my life. I had spent my last penny on my latest fix, and I owed more than I could pay, and I just thought 'what if I just end it all, right now'. - He avoided Gillian's gaze but she could see deep shame and guilt in his face.

-I began contemplating how I would end my life, when I stumbled into a dresser and our wedding photo fell to the floor. I cut my hand picking up the glass, but when my bleeding hand smeared your face, I completely freak out. I took of my shirt to clean the photo, but the sight of your face defiled because of my cowardice made me sick. I knew I couldn't do it to you, I couldn't kill myself and leave you to pick up the pieces, to make you feel guilty, as I knew you would.- He looked at her, and he was so open to her, and full of self-loathing and apprehension.

Gillian didn't say anything because she knew he needed to continue, he needed her to know.

He smiled, as if he had read her mind

-I quit, cold turkey that night. - His chested rose a little, not entirely from pride but more from the fact that he could say it and it being completely true.

-I checked myself into rehab, and for the first time I felt as if I had some control of my future. I kept thinking, I have nothing left to screw up. You had left and my career was as good as gone, I thought. But with that came freedom I didn't expect. - He looked ahead, contemplating.

-So now I'm teaching part time and then I help my father with his business.- Alec looked at her and smiled.

Gillian took in his words. She didn't remember him ever being so honest and self-critical before, it truly felt like he had turned his life around. They had wandered into a small street with vintage boutiques and quirky shops and cafes. They crossed the street and Alec put his hand on her lower back in a protective manner, and he didn't seem to notice he was doing it. Gillian felt emotions bubbling inside her from this small gesture. How she had missed being taken care of, even if it was in such an insignificant way. It made her think about Cal, and her mind conjured up a picture of him standing at a safe distance, with his hands deep in his pockets.

\- Are you hungry? He asked hopefully, pointing towards a small bistro.

Gillian was sceptical for a moment. He saw her doubts and replied quickly

-No never mind. - He looked away from her, and Gillian could see he was reprimanding himself mentally.

\- You know, I would love to eat, Gillian said smiling. Deep down was a small voice telling her this was a bad idea, that she could be getting herself into trouble, but she ignored it. For far too long she had followed rules, done the proper thing, and been the responsible adult and look where it got her. A tired woman in her forties, alone, with a trampled heart. A part of her thought whether she was only doing this to annoy Cal, but that was ridiculous as he was nowhere near, and she frankly didn't think he would care all that much.

\- I have been talking too much, tell me what's new with you? Alec smiled at her and held the door open for her.

-Oh, not much really. I work a lot, nothing new there, - she smiled a smile that didn't reach her eyes

-And.. - she thought for a moment. What more did she do then work. She used to go to basketball games, or book clubs, or plan weekends with friends, but lately ( a lot longer than lately, really) she did very little except work. And spent time with Cal of course..

Alec saw that she was yet again lost in thought.

\- The group doing well, I assume? He asked politely.

\- Yes, most of the times anyway - Gillian tried to sound nonchalant, but the financial troubles and general Cal-troubles popped to her mind.

\- That's good. I hope you're not over-working yourself - he said and looked carefully at her. Gillian thought she could sense a jab pointed at Cal there, and to her surprise it didn't bother her, though she was pretty sure that if someone else had said it she would have defended him. Because she was nothing if not loyal. Loyal to a fault.

They ordered their lunch and sat and looked at each other. This was a strange feeling, looking at someone you once knew better than anyone and with whom you share a long history, who is now almost a stranger. It was a bittersweet feeling, and although she didn't regret her divorce, it was hard not play a game of what if now that she was spending time with him again. Then she thought she was being silly, they had spent an hour together at the most, and she didn't even know if he was single. But this was crazy, it didn't matter whether he was single or not. They were simply catching up with each other.

They ate their food and reminisced about restaurants they used to go when they were dating. When they had finished Gillian looked at her watch. They had spent well over two hours together, time had really flown by.

-I better get going - she said

\- Yeah, me too. - he said as he waved the waiter. He paid, even though she insisted on paying for her share, and they walked out together. The weather was getting worse and she clutched the scarf tighter around her neck.

-Listen Gillian, I am so pleased that we had a chance to see each other, I really am. - He stroked her arm fondly and Gillian looked at his face. He looked like he wanted to say something else but thought better of it.

\- I'm glad we met. Thank you for being so honest with me, I really appreciate it. - Gillian squeezed his hand and smiled.

They said goodbye and he kissed her cheek. His lips lingered a bit longer on her cheek and he closed his eyes.

-You're so beautiful- he whispered and kissed her again. Then he quickly withdrew from her and gave her a lingering look before he walked away.

Gillian began walking they way they had walked. She barely noticed where she was walking, her mind was so full of thoughts about these past few hours. She finally arrived at her car and drove home. When she came home she kicked of her shoes and sat in her living room.

What a day it had been.

* * *

tbc..


	2. Chapter 2

Gillian walked into the office on Monday morning feeling determined. She had had a productive weekend, called a friend she hadn't heard from in too long, went grocery shopping, and went for a run. All the while she thought over and over about her time with Alec. She had resisted the urge to call him or look him up online, but barely so.

She looked at the Lightman Group sign and some of her pre-weekend irritation resurfaced. She made her way into her office and took a deep breath. She wasn't going to let him affect her today.

Over the weekend she had realised that she needed to distance herself from him, to truly put herself in first place. She would have to stop thinking about him so much, and let him face the consequences of his action alone, which would undoubtedly prompt taunts and other attention seeking endeavours from him. She felt as if the tight bonds between them, which had felt more like restraints in these last months, were loosening slightly. She wasn't completely free but she could feel her body, mind and soul regaining consciousness after being deprived of oxygen from their confinement. It was as if a tingling sensation was starting in her toes which led upwards.

Her morning was uneventful for the most part. Ria came in around eleven to get her signature.

"You look different," she said bluntly.

Gillian looked at her employee and smiled simply. "Was there anything else you needed Ria?"

Her reply was not spoken harshly but the authoritarian tone was hard to miss.

"Uh, no, no nothing." Ria looked at Gillian again and then walked quickly from the office.

Gillian chuckled as she watched her walk out. She did feel different.

She had finished with her paperwork around one and she decided to get go out and stretch her legs before her meeting with a potential client later. She grabbed her coat and purse and walked towards the exit.

"Oi! Foster!" Cal bellowed from the lab, startling several interns and a very annoyed Loker.

Cal pushed himself to the hallway in the office chair he was sitting in. The sight of him refusing to stand up to talk to her annoyed her, but she calmed her face and look straight at him.

"Yes, Cal," she answered calmly.

"Where you goin' then? We've got a meeting later," he said as he stared at her looking for clues in her face.

"Out," she said simply, "and I am aware of the meeting."

At that she turned and walked out.

Cal sat speechless and watched her walk out. He wasn't used to indifference from her. She usually indulged him or scoffed at him, but she was never curt with him. He sat and watched the exit door long after she went through it. Then he stood up and pushed the chair back in the lab. The interns and Loker were all watching him.

"Play it again," Cal said.

Loker turned from him and grinned.

"Now Loker!" Cal yelled.

Loker turned the video back on. Cal observed the screen in front of him but he wasn't really seeing it. All of a sudden he stood up and walked out of the lab without saying a word to anyone. Loker looked at the intern next to him and shrugged. Serves him right, he thought, smirking.

Gillian returned around an hour later. Her good mood was back and the determination to not let Cal suck the life-force from her surrounded her, like a protective armor.

Cal was pacing near her office. She regarded him.

"Cal," she said, as she opened her office door.

"You're nearly late," he said accusingly. He was obviously in a bad mood.

"Nearly, but I made it," she said with a small smile and walked in the bright room. She hung up her coat and put her purse on her desk. She pulled out a small mirror from her bag and reapplied her lipstick. She could see him in the mirror. He was slouching at her office door with the most strange look on his face. She put the mirror and lipstick away, grabbed the file on the desk and walked back towards the conference room.

"The meeting's starting, Cal," she said with a sardonic smile and turned her back to him.

Cal looked at her annoyed, but followed. He couldn't help notice there was a renewed swagger in her hips as she walked. He stared at her shapely behind, before finally sauntering after her. He was very confused. She seemed like her normal self, but there was something different. He had expected her to be still annoyed with him after these last weeks events. But she deserved to be annoyed, he thought bitterly. Freezing his accounts, he still couldn't get over the nerve of her. He wasn't too proud of how he handled the whole Wallowsky mess, but he expected her to be mad at him for a couple of days and then everything (she) would be back to normal. Like she always did. He approached the conference room and was a bit startled. Gillian sat with the new potential clients at the long desk and had begun discussing the case with them, without him. He stared at her.

"Oh good, you're here," She looked at him and waited until he sat down.

"This is David Cranshaw and his wife Barbara." The clients greeted him.

"They suspect that one of their employees is selling trade secrets to a competitor. I said that we could start interviewing their employees tomorrow. I thought I would let Loker and Torres handle this one, do you agree?" She looked at him, a kind smile on her face but still there was something different. She spoke to him almost like a superior.

Cal looked intently at her, trying to stare her down, but she didn't flinch.

"Do you disagree Cal?" she asked him.

Cal didn't answer but let his gaze turn towards their new clients. Mrs. Cranshaw looked uncomfortable and stared straight ahead. She shifted in her seat slightly. Away from Mr. Cranshaw. Interesting Cal thought. He was about to examine Mr. Cranshaw when Gillian spoke.

"Cal?"

"Do you trust your husband, Barbara?" Cal stared back at Mrs. Cranshaw.

"What? Yes, of course." She looked at Mr. Cranshaw nervously.

"What is the meaning of this?" said Mr. Cranshaw turning to look at Gillian. She looked at him unperturbed and then at Cal.

"Nothing, Mr. Crenshaw, nothing at all. We will send our people to investigate tomorrow."

She motioned them to stand up, and guided them to the hall. She spoke with them for a little while before bidding them farewell. She then made her way towards the lab, not looking once at Cal.

Cal sat at the long conference table brooding. It was the second time today that he was left sitting by himself, like a child pouting in time-out. What is she doing, he thought.

Gillian sat in her office later that day. She was quite pleased with herself. Although her behaviour could be interpreted as cold or even mean, she knew this was something she needed. Seeing Alec had shifted something in her. He had faced his problems head on and dealt with them. He removed himself from the biggest trigger for his unhappiness and carefully rebuilt his life. Gillian realised that although she could never leave the Lightman Group, she could detach herself from it. She was so emotionally invested with everything and everyone, that she felt like there was nothing left for herself. Right now she needed distance. And professionalism.

But she knew that he would most likely not agree with that last one.

She decided to call it a night when she heard voices in the hallway. She put on her coat and clutched her bag in one hand, her phone in the other. She locked her office door and felt a dull ache in her stomach. Cal stood with detective Wallowsky in the hallway, arm around her waist, whispering something in her ear. She giggled, or Gillian supposed that's what that sound was. Cal looked up and saw Gillian standing there. He turned his head and gazed intently at her. She looked coolly at him, but then her phone chimed. She looked at the message and curious smile crept up on her face. She put her phone in her bag, walked by Cal and Wallowsky.

"Goodnight Cal, Sharon." she said smiling politely at both of them and then she walked with her head held high through the exit.

She looked at her phone again when she was seated in her car.

"I would like to see you again - xx Alec"

She smiled again and drove home. It had been a long time since she left the group, firstly before seven, and secondly in a practically giddy mood.

Cal let go of Wallowsky and stared at the door that Gillian had just walked through. A beeping sound broke his stare of the newly closed door. Wallowsky held a pager in her hand.  
"Hey man, I gotta go." She looked at Cal with heavy lidded eyes.

Cal's gaze traveled up and down her curvy body. Her pupils dilated and Cal chuckled.

"Are you going to tuck me in when you're finished?" He stared at her with small grin, that looked more like a grimace. Wallowsky stared back.

"Don't you just wish." She walked so she was standing very close to him, looked him in the eye and then to his lips, and then stepped to the side and walked towards the exit.

"Night Lightman," she said, and he could hear a combination of amusement and annoyance in her voice.

Cal sat in his living room nursing his fourth whiskey of the night. Was this her idea of revenge? And who the bloody hell made her smile that way? He thought about calling her. It was probably a bad idea. He gulped down the remainder of his drink. He looked around for his phone. He didn't see anything, the room was in pitch darkness, he had neglected to turn on a single light in the room, and he had sat there for longer than he cared to know. He stumbled to his feet and fumbled around, in search of a lamp, his phone, or the god damn light switch. He walked straight slowly waving his arms around him like a windmill, eventually finding a lamp, and a dull glow lit the room. He found his phone and looked up Gillian's number. It was almost midnight, she could be sleeping. Cal grinned, that would serve her right for her behaviour today. But what if she was in bed, with someone. He sobered slightly at the thought. As if on autopilot he pressed her name and waited.

Gillian was getting ready for bed. She sat on her bed and applied moisturiser on her long legs. Her phone rang, and she looked at the screen. Cal's name bounced up. She listened to the tune and waited with some trepidation. What on earth could he want now? Nothing good could come from this phone call. She decided to let the phone ring. She stared at the screen until it stopped ringing. She felt pang of guilt as her phone delivered the message that she had missed a call. It was hard keeping up her professional facade during the night. What if he truly did need her? Maybe there had been an accident? Most likely not. But her curiosity got the better of her and she called the familiar number back.

"Gillian?" He sounded very tired.

"Hi," she said, because she didn't what else to say.

There was a long silence where they listened to each other's breathing.

Finally Gillian broke the silence. "I saw that you had called, my phone was downstairs," she lied. She knew he would hear it.

Cal said nothing.

"Cal?"

"Nothing darling, I shouldn't have called." He sounded utterly defeated.

"Alright. Goodnight Cal."

"Goodnight love."

The next few days went by and Cal couldn't really explain what was happening. Gillian seemed like another person. But she was still inexplicably her. They still talked, and more amicably every day, but he felt like she was holding back. She laughed at his silly jokes, but she didn't spent more time with him then was strictly necessary. It was as if she had reinforced the proverbial line between them but moved it so there was even more distance between them. And she kept smiling at that bloody phone.


	3. Chapter 3

During the next days, the office was like a minefield. Employees walked on eggshells, as Lightman was unpredictable and very temperamental. He had sent two interns home in tears, and Loker had an ashen look of annoyance, which seemed to be permanently set. Ria was jumpy but oddly enough she seemed to excel under these circumstances. Everyone had noticed that something was going on. Lightman's unpredictability was nothing new, but it was unusual that Gillian didn't reprimand him for it, or even talk with him. They seemed to be doing their jobs, but completely separately.

Gillian sat in her office thinking about these past days. When she compared it to the weeks or even months previous, it was a drastic change. But she wasn't sure whether the change was truly for the better. Ever since her divorce she and Cal had reached a new level of friendship, intimacy and trust. They flirted, sometimes outrageously, they cared greatly for each other and they trusted each other, explicitly. Or so she thought. She was well aware that most people that met them thought they more involved than they were, hell, she was sure half the staff thought they were sleeping together. She felt that he was slowly letting her in, that in some ways he was testing her. But testing what, she had no idea. She was almost certain he knew that she would never abandon him. But something had changed. Because all of a sudden he became secretive, well, more secretive than usual. He was more reckless and seemed absolutely determined to do whatever he wanted, with no regards to her, or anybody else.

Could you change your life by simply deciding to? Did nothing else come into the equation? If she simply decided that she wouldn't be treated like he treated her, then it would stop? At what cost though?

Was she fooling herself? Or was she really hoping to get him to notice her? She felt sick at the very thought of it. It sounded like a plot to get a boy to like her in a cliché rom-com. Surely she had more self-respect than that.

Well, if he noticed her in a new way than it was simply an added benefit. Because she liked how she felt. It felt as if she was remembering who the real Gillian was as if she was getting little pieces of her old self, bit by bit, like reconnecting with an old friend.

But when had she lost herself? Instinctively she thought about Alec. He seemed to have found himself again. Because he was more like the young man she had first fallen in love, then the man she divorced. They had been sending each other emails, almost every day the entire week. It was exciting but so familiar. They had sent each other letters when they first met. He had graduated and Gillian was in her final year. They lived in different towns and could only meet on weekends. So they wrote each other, sometimes three a week. Gillian still kept them although she hadn't read them in years.

. . .

Cal strutted into the Lightman Group. He thought about what he could do today to piss her off. Because when she was angry with him her feelings were as clear as day. He needed to know what was happening. It felt imperative to understand what she was doing. Because this abrupt change in her behaviour scared him. He couldn't really explain it, but he felt like she was slipping from him like she was water he tried to cup in his palms, but she slowly dripped away. So he decided he would push her. He felt how she tried to keep him at arm's length for these past days, playing the role of Dr. Gillian Foster so well, the amiable co-worker of Cal Lightman. Her charade was excellent. As she played herself. But she was still playing a role. He was sure of it. This wasn't his Gill. No. He needed to find out.

When he had waited for her with Wallowsky on the arm, he had caught a glimpse of... something, before she managed to slip on her mask again and walk by him. He felt like a petulant child testing its limits, but she would eventually budge.

Cal saw her in the staff kitchen with Ria, laughing. He walked towards them.

"Aye, aye," he said as he hunched by the door to the kitchen.

Gillian's gentle laughter seemed to linger around the room long after she stopped. How he loved that sound.

"Morning Cal," she said with a kind, albeit distant smile.

"Care to let me in?" He stared intently at her. He had meant to say it conversationally but it came out almost hostile.

Ria's smiled faded from the lips but Gillian still smiled.

"...on the joke," he added, as an afterthought.

Ria explained. "Oh, Loker insisted on taking the lead on the Cranshaw case so I left him dealing with…"

"That's fascinating, that is," Cal interrupted, as Gillian seemed to be about to leave. He kept his gaze fixated on Gillian.

Ria looked affronted, but she was saved the retort as Loker walked in the kitchen looking very annoyed.

"Well that was just great, Ria!" Loker said loudly, seemingly oblivious to the strange atmosphere in the staff kitchen.

"We should look at the videos Loker brought," Gillian said, trying to take control of the situation. Cal was still staring at her and it was unnerving her. He'd been trying to crack her new hard exterior with rude comments, invading her personal space, making everyone in the office very uncomfortable but she had held her own. But this incessant staring was daunting. He just stared at her face, waiting for it to betray her determinedness.

"Let's go," she said somewhat lamely, leading the way out of the kitchen.

While reviewing the employee interviews, Gillian was careful to keep her distance and she was thankful for the amount of material they needed to process. She left the lab when Cal was deep in thought, analysing the videos. It was cowardly and unlike her, leaving suddenly, especially during a case. But she had a mountain of paperwork waiting for her, which seemed infinite, and she could placate the guilty feeling brewing in her stomach behind the pretence of tedious budget reports.

. . .

Later in the evening Cal sat in his study with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Smooth jazz played in the background. The sound of heels in the distance vaguely registered in his tired mind.

There was a gentle knock on the door. He looked up to see Gillian dressed to go home in the doorway.

"I just thought I'd say goodnight," she said.

He said nothing but stared at her beautiful face.

"Join me?" It was almost a plea. Gillian looked at him and was surprised to see how open he was. She read longing, sadness and something else. Was it anger?

"Sure," she said and walked into the room.

Cal looked taken aback, he obviously expected her to decline his offer.

He poured her two fingers and handed her the glass. She sat on the sofa next to him and they drank in silence. Cal looked at her and thought what he could possibly say to her. He didn't want to push her away, funny he thought, that's a first. He was tired of this battle between them, and for the hundredth time, he asked himself, what had changed? He felt as if there was a rift between them, and each time he did something stupid, reckless, mean or idiotic the rift got bigger. He was afraid that soon the divide between them would be too great and he would lose her forever. The thought chilled him to the bone.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Gillian was looking at him.

"I'm tired," he answered.

"I'm tired of this battle between us," he looked straight ahead, afraid of what he would see on her face.

Gillian finished her glass and put it on the table.

"Me too," she said quietly.

Cal turned to look at her. God, she was beautiful.

"I want things to be as they were before," he said and grabbed her hand. She seemed to fight an urge flinch at his touch, which pained him. She looked at him and saw his disappointment, and then gave his hand a little squeeze. Cal realised that this was their first physical contact in days. That both shocked and saddened him. They were usually very affectionate with each other. He would snake an arm around her waist and she would hold his shoulders, they would usually stand close to each other and he would smell her perfume which was a heavenly smell. They would kiss each other and hug tightly. In fact, it seemed as if they had been gradually touching more and hugging longer in the last months, and their kisses were close enough to the lips that he could just imagine kissing her and tasting her lips and tongue properly. He looked at her and she was deep in thought.

"Cal…" She seemed to be choosing her words carefully.

His heart rate seemed to be rising from their touch, her smell and the fear of unsaid words.

"I am tired of our battle. However," she said and looked him in the eye, "I don't want things to be like before."

Cal looked at her confused.

"Over the last week, I have been thinking a lot about you, about us. And I can't go back to being your friend one minute and your doormat the next. You've treated me badly Cal, and the worst part is that sometimes I think you don't realise that what you're doing is hurting me. But I know that this isn't entirely your fault. For too long I have accepted your behaviour and out-lashes, and simply offered you support and friendship, but I feel now that I have given you all I have to give and what I got in return were threats, humiliation and indifference."

She removed her hand from his and looked at the table.

"Gill." Cal looked at her, begging her with his eyes.

"Love, you're the most important person in my life, except for Emily, and I am terrified that I'm going to lose you." He reached his hand to stroke her cheek. She closed her eyes at his touch and he pulled her into a hug.

"Darling, I can't lose you." He sounded desperate as he clung to her tightly.

Tears welled up in Gillian's eyes and she breathed in his scent.

"I'm sorry," he said and he kissed her hair. Then he kissed her cheek and closed his eyes and rested his forehead on hers.

"I'm sorry," he breathed and then reached his mouth to hers and kissed her. He felt as if an electric current ran through him as their lips met. Gillian opened her mouth to him and kissed him back. The kiss was full of love and desperation. Cal turned his head to deepen the kiss and put his hand on her back to pull her closer to him. Gillian gave a small whimper which was a mixture of longing and hurt. She pulled from him. She missed the contact on her lips instantly.

"I can't." She couldn't look at him.

"Gillian," he said, and his voice was full of panic.

"I'm sorry Cal, I just can't."

Tears ran down her cheek as she stood up and almost ran from the room, leaving her coat behind. Cal sat still and watched where she had left him. He felt as if he was completely hollow inside.

Gillian was in her car before she could register how she had got there. She couldn't have told you whether she took the elevator or the stairs. Stairs she thought as her feet hurt a bit from the designer shoes. She drove from the garage and tried to breathe, she shivered. She turned the heat and drove on autopilot to her house. When she was there she sat still and didn't move from the car. Her mind was racing and fogging up at the same time. What had happened, and what did this mean? She shivered again, and that's when she realised she didn't have her coat on. She finally left the car. Once she was inside she poured herself a glass of wine and sat in the dark living room with a large fluffy blanket draped around her. She touched her lips and closed her eyes. Their kiss had been incredible, like all her kisses in the past were mere rehearsals for his lips, his touch. She couldn't stop her mind from imagining making love with him. Her mind filled with vivid pictures of him taking her clothes off, kissing her clavicle, her breasts, moving his hands to her centre. She snapped her eyes open and took a large gulp of wine. What was she going to do now?

. . .

Cal's back was beginning to ache from his uncomfortable posture. He wanted to finish this bottle of whisky and stop thinking. He reached for the bottle but then stopped. If he became drunker than he had ever been before, which was what he wanted he would lose the smell of her that still clung to him, and the taste of her on his lips. He took the bottle and put it on the shelf where he kept it. He looked at his phone and saw that Emily had texted him.

 _"when will u b home?"_

Cal sighed and left his study.

He opened the front door and saw Emily sitting on the couch watching TV. He slowly walked to her sat next to her.

"Hello, darling," he looked at her and kissed her head.

Emily looked at her father. He looked like when he came back from Afghanistan, but somehow sadder.

"Are you alright dad?" She looked at him concernedly. He gave her a small smile and pulled her into a one armed hug.

"Yeah, I'll be alright darling," he said.

Emily knew he was lying, but she didn't want to push him so she cuddled up to him and continued watching TV. He stroked her hair and stared ahead, not watching the TV, not watching anything. Emily wondered what was going on. Sometimes his cases got to him, but this was different. The cases that most affected him involved kids or suicide, but when they involved kids he became overprotective and overbearing, and when it concerned suicide he became quite manic and secretive. But now? He just sat quietly next to her stroking her head. He didn't mention the extra used plate on the table that Liam had used which she had left deliberately on the table, he didn't complain loudly about what they were watching. It was like he wasn't there. This scared her.

"Do you wanna talk about it," Emily asked tentatively.

"No darling. I'll be alright. Don't you be worrying about me," he dismissed her affectionately.

She sat up and looked at her father.

"Well, I'm going to go to bed." She stood from the couch still watching him.

"Alright. Goodnight love," he said, trying to give her a reassuring smile.

Emily looked at him with concern.

Cal went to his room shortly after. He lay on his bed and thought about Gillian.


	4. Chapter 4

_This is an M chapter_

* * *

Gillian woke after a restless sleep and got ready for work. At least today was Friday, she thought as she put on a blue form fitting dress. She knew Cal liked this dress. She pushed that thought from her mind. She liked that dress, and not because he liked it. Although the small, truthful, voice inside her whispered that she only wore the dress because he would always look at her a fraction longer, would lick his lips and check her out, not really hiding that he was doing so, and she loved when he did it. It made her feel desirable and a little bit naughty. Well, it was too late to change anyway. She went downstairs and grabbed her purse. She looked around for her phone before she remembered it was in her coat, which was still in his study. Oh boy, this day was going to be very interesting.

...

Cal had come early to the office today, in fact, he had been the second person through the door that morning, which was unprecedented. He sat at his desk shuffling through some paperwork when he heard a chiming coming from his study. He ignored it, but soon the sound came again. He walked to the study to inspect the sound when he realised it was coming from Gillian's coat. He looked for it and the phone chimed again. It was the -battery low- warning. He knew he shouldn't be looking at her phone, but they had the same type of phone so he decided to charge it for her. The decent thing to do, he thought. When he plugged it in he saw an unanswered text on the screen. He almost dropped the phone when he saw the name. Alec! Bloody Alec. Why on earth was he sending her a text message? The screen went black and Cal put it on the table and went back to his desk. Was he the one who had Gillian glued to her phone like a teenager? Was he the reason for her secret smile? His blood boiled in his veins. That cheating, low-life bastard. He treated Gillian like shit. He didn't deserve her. Why was she talking to him? He sat brooding, the scowl on his face seemed to be permanent.

Gillian walked into his office heading straight for his study. She hadn't seen him. She obviously thought she could grab her coat and phone without meeting him.

"Morning darling," he said as he grimaced at her. His words were laced with venom.

She startled and looked at him. His grimace faltered. She was perfect, wearing her blue dress that he absolutely adored.

"Oh, you're here," she said lamely "you're early," she said as she tried to look normal.

"Your phone is over there," he said, pointing towards the table where her phone was charging.

A look of panic coloured her face. Bingo, he, though. "Alec texted you," he said, looking intently at her face reading everything.

She looked flustered, and then she tried to sound stern "You went through my phone!" She made a very good impression of being appalled, but her face betrayed her.

"No." he answered truthfully. A look of relief flooded her face.

"Why is Alec texting you?" He asked as he stood up and walked hunched over to her. Gillian instinctively backed from his menacing stare. Gillian's face which was usually a blind spot for him was an open book now. He saw her nervousness, guilt, sadness and even fear. He didn't care. He wanted answers.

"Why," he repeated "is that asshole contacting you again, after all, this time, and why, Gillian," he spat her name "do you feel guilty about it?" He had walked closer to her with each word, until she had backed into the door of the study and he stood very close to her, their noses almost touching.

Gillian felt the study door cold against her back. She could smell him, and almost taste him, they were so close together. She hadn't expected to see him so soon so she hadn't prepared herself to be around him. Gone was the protective barrier that had been between them lately. She finally knew how suspects felt when he was in the Cube with them. Except, instead of fear and dread, she felt ashamed, guilty and very aroused. What was wrong with her?

Cal stared at her but was startled when he saw her pupils dilate and her breath quickening. She tried to speak but nothing came. She glanced a look at his lips as she licked her own. Cal felt ready to explode. He moved even closer to her. She gasped and her heart was beating like a hummingbird. Suddenly Cal kissed her roughly. She closed her eyes and moaned in his mouth. His tongue fought for dominance and it felt like he was punishing her with kisses. Gillian had never felt like this before. Cal grabbed her hair and pulled her even closer as he kissed her desperately, and Gillian held him tightly. Then a shrill sound broke the current between them. Gillian's phone was ringing. Cal looked down at the table and let go of her. He looked repulsed. He walked out of his office, not looking back. Gillian could hear the sound of the elevator in the quiet hall.

She finally looked down at her phone and saw she had a missed call from Alec.

Gillian spent the rest of her day cooped up in her office. She hadn't seen Cal since that morning. She had a hard time focusing on these budget reports. Finally, she couldn't postpone leaving her office anymore. She took a deep breath and then walked purposefully out into the hallway and straight to the bathrooms. She looked at herself in the mirror as she washed her hands. Her lips were swollen a bit. She stroked one finger over her bottom lip and closed her eyes. She could still feel him on her, ravishing her lips, she felt a small tingle in her centre at the very thought. Just then Ria walked in and saw her boss with her eyes closed touching her lip. Gillian didn't hear her enter due to the water gushing and her imagination running amuck. Ria cleared her throat. Gillian dropped her hand immediately and turned off the faucet. She smiled politely at Ria and left.

Ria stood still and wondered what the hell was going on today. The one day she decided to be a bit reckless and sleep in a little, it's the day that Lightman shows up before anyone them. And he was being an ass today. Well, more than usual.

Gillian went to the staff kitchen to get herself a cup of coffee. She noticed that the staff there looked more glum than usually. She thought she knew the reason. It could not be easy to be in Cal's way today. Suddenly everyone left the room rather hurriedly. She turned around and saw him standing there. He was looking at her with a determined look on his face.

"Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?" He asked

Gillian was stunned. She stared at him unable to form words.

"Emily is going to her mum's, and I think we should talk. Without any interruptions." He looked at her and gave nothing away, his face completely unreadable.

"Sure," Gillian said, simply because she couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Good. See you at seven." He said and walked from the room.

Gillian stood there frozen. Why did she say yes? She didn't seem to be able to speak with him anymore. Gone was the cool exterior she had been using for the past days. She felt like a lovesick teenager. This was going to be an interesting night.

Gillian returned to her office and noticed another missed call from Alec. She still hadn't called him back. She took the phone and called him back

"Hi," he sounded pleased to hear from her

"Hi, sorry I didn't have time to call you till now," she lied

"Oh, no problem. Listen, I just wanted to see if I could meet you again, maybe this weekend?" He asked hopefully.

Gillian felt calmer talking to him than she had felt all day. "Sure, I'd like that," she answered

"Fantastic, I'll call you tomorrow," he said

"Alright, goodbye."

"Bye."

Gillian put the phone on the desk. She was looking forward to seeing him, especially with the prospect of spending an evening with Cal tonight. But she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being unfaithful. To whom, she couldn't be sure. However that was ridiculous, she was single and not seeing either of them. Although she did seem to be going on unofficial dates with one of them and kept kissing the other one.

...

Gillian stood in front of her mirror. She couldn't decide whether to wear the same dress from today or change. She was sure that Cal didn't care but somehow she felt that this was important. Should she wear the same dress that she (un)consciously choose to wear because she knew he liked or should she change. Maybe he would take it personally if she changed as if she was trying to distance her from him again. Or if she changed, would he think that she was dressing up like this was a date. Ugh. This was crazy. She was going to have dinner with her friend. Her best friend. This shouldn't be so difficult. She decided to change.

She wore a burgundy skirt with a white lacy top. She grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to her car.

During the drive, she had butterflies in her stomach. What did he want to say to her? She parked in front of his house. Maybe bringing wine was sending the wrong impression. Damnit! What was happening to her? She shook her head, of course, it was perfectly fine to bring wine to dinner, even though the topic of conversation was perhaps going to be difficult. She left the car and walked to his front door and rang the bell. Cal opened the door wearing his flowery apron. She couldn't help grinning.

"Hello love," he smiled at her and then went back to the kitchen. Gillian smiled. This felt more like how they usually were. She walked into the familiar house and a delicious smell wafted from the kitchen.

"What are we eating," she called as she hung her coat.

"Lasagna," he yelled back.

She walked to the kitchen and saw he had already set the table. There was a single rose in a plane vase on the table and a candle was burning. This looked very romantic and homey. She sat at the kitchen island and watched him preparing their meal. He was taking the lasagna from the oven, and then he cut garlic bread into pieces.

"This looks good," she said

"Thank you, darling," he said as he put the lasagna on the table, along with the bread and a salad bowl.

"I brought wine," Gillian said as she stood to find a bottle opener. She moved around the kitchen with ease. She had spent many nights here and this had sometimes felt like a second home to her. After her divorce, this had felt more like her only home, as her new apartment was cold and full of boxes, while his was warm, full of memories and full of life. She opened the wine and put on the table. Cal was putting his apron away and then gestured her to the table.

They sat and ate in a pleasant silence. Once they had finished Cal cleared the table and then walked with his wine glass to the living room, Gillian followed. They sat on the sofa and Cal put his glass onto the table.

"I think we need to talk and we need to promise, to be honest with each other." He said and watched her face for a reaction.

"I agree," Gillian nodded.

"I need to apologise for how I treated you. I was way out of line. I know this isn't an excuse but I felt cornered and I lashed out. You were right yesterday. I have grown accustomed to you simply being there for me, and I know I haven't always appreciated you. For that, I am deeply sorry. But I don't know what I can do to truly repent, because I know how I am and how I function, and I don't want to apologise and promise to never do this again when it is more than likely that I will disappoint you again. You are too good (too pure, he thought) for the likes of me." He said this and looked at her with trepidation.

"Thank you for saying this," she said "it means a lot," she smiled at him and put her glass on the table.

"Gillian, love, I want us to be close again," he hesitated. He wanted them to be a lot more than just close. "But I need to know why you're talking to Alec again."

"We met the other day," she said cautiously, "at a bookstore. We started talking and he's changed so much." she looked at Cal, who was shaking his head. She knew he didn't believe her.

"He really turned his life around. He's clean, he left the State Department and he's happy. And I think he could make me happy too." She said the last bit, purposefully looking at Cal. He looked heartbroken.

"Are you back together?" He asked, afraid of her answer.

"I don't know. No, not really." She said.

"But you'd like to?" Cal felt like he was going to be sick.

"Honestly, I don't know what I want," she thought about their kiss this morning.

"I want you to be happy, love, I really do. But…" He stopped seeming lost "But Alec?" He looked stunned.

"I just want to be sure that you don't get hurt," he seemed to be deflating.

"Lately the only one who's been hurting me is you," she said. Cal looked like she had slapped him.

"I don't mean to be rude or insensitive, but you do seem to try so very hard to protect me, that you end up hurting me. I don't need protection Cal, I just need you to be my friend and to respect my choices..."

"So you chose him over me, is that it?" he interrupted.

"Cal this isn't a question about you or him, or you or anyone else, for that matter…"

"Oh I think it is," he interrupted again

"How can you say that?" She was getting angry. "I have literally left everyone to be with you! I left my secure job at the Pentagon. I slowly left all my friends and in the end, I even left my husband. And you have the audacity to accuse me of choosing someone else instead of you. I have always chosen you, defended you, protected you. But time and time again you choose someone else instead of me," she stopped and looked down, tears welling in her eyes.

"And when I finally start choosing myself instead of you, you go out of your way to make my life hell. How will this end? What will it take for you to be happy?" She stared at him

"I…" He was lost for words.

"You don't even know! Then how the hell am I supposed to know? You want me all to yourself but you don't want the responsibility of being with me." She looked down again her vision clouded with tears.

"I don't have an answer for you love." He couldn't look at her.

"Do you want to be with me, properly?" she asked him

"Or do you simply want no one to be with me?" she asked daringly

"I…" He looked absolutely lost for words

When he didn't say anything Gillian sighed

"I think I'll go now," she said and moved to stand up.

"No!" He grabbed her arm

"Gill, I... I want you so much, you have no idea," he looked heartbroken "but you deserve so much more than me…"

"This again!" Gillian rolled her eyes.

"No please, darling. You're so important to me, and so god damn beautiful, but if we get together I will ruin you, I will ruin us." He was completely broken now.

Gillian stood up and walked from the couch. He stood as well.

"I don't want to lose you Cal but I can't spend my life waiting for you. From now on you will need to respect my boundaries and privacy. If we are to remain friends then that's what I need. You can't ignore me and then kiss me." She stared at him matter-of-factly.

"Alright, if that's what you want," he said simply.

She walked towards him and held his arm. He pulled her into a hug. He hugged her as if his life depended on it, or as if it was the last one he would ever receive from her. They both felt that as soon as they let go, everything would be different. So they held each other. Gillian breathed in his scent and hugged him tighter. She longed for just one more kiss. If she was leaving the possibility of there ever being anything between them, she needed to have a clear memory of him, of his lips. Perhaps that was selfish, but right now she didn't care. She turned her head and kissed him. He opened up to her immediately. Quickly the kiss deepened and before she knew what she doing she began unbuttoning his shirt, desperate for skin-contact. He held her tightly and ran his hand through her hair as he kissed her jawline and neck. He pulled her shirt from under the skirt and touched her stomach. Her muscles quivered at his touch. She removed his shirt and they started to walk clumsily backwards, never letting go of each other. Their discarded clothes made a trail leading to the bedroom. Neither said a word, the pent up passion and emotions carrying them without conscious thought.

Cal laid Gillian carefully on the bed and hovered over her. He looked deep into her eyes seeing only arousal and love. He never stopped kissing her as he moved his member to her opening. She pulled him close and he slid inside her. He didn't move for a moment, enjoying the feel of her. Of his Gillian. Who would never be his. He began moving and was so full of emotion that he almost wanted to cry. Building up a steady tempo, he kissed and licked her neck. He put one hand between them and started massaging her clit. Gillian clung to his shoulders, holding him almost painfully hard. They gained momentum and it was as if they were suspended in time and space, nothing mattered except that precise moment. Cal pulled her legs to his shoulder and in this new position, Gillian began moaning his name. This drove him wild and he pounded harder, feeling her walls starting to clench around him, urging him onwards and when she began trembling he let go of her legs. Her orgasm shook her and he rode it until his own release came. She was writhing and he kissed her deeply. Finally, he fell on top of her. They both panted. He turned to his side, without pulling out of her and held her closely. They lay there for a long time, and once he saw her shiver a little he pulled out of her and grabbed the blanket to cover them. He kissed her forehead.

Gillian didn't want to leave. As if he read her mind he said: "stay, please." She nodded and held him closely. They both knew that as soon as they stood from this bed, everything was going to be different.

Gillian quickly became drowsy and started dosing off. Cal loosened their embrace slightly so he could watch her face. She looked so peaceful. And this felt so right, them, together in bed, naked! He didn't want to go to sleep. He wanted to wake the entire night and simply look at her. But his eyelids became too heavy and soon he fell asleep holding her.

Gillian woke early. For a moment she didn't realise where she was. She felt an arm around her waist and a naked body close to her. She opened her eyes and smiled. She could get used to waking up like this, she thought. The arm around her held her tighter and she felt him breathe sleepily in her ear. She gently stirred and he kissed her on the ear. He turned slightly and kissed her cheek, then her jawline and finally her mouth. Gillian turned to face him and held his face. He was looking at her, his gaze full of desire, admiration and sadness. She then quickly remembered what they had talked about the night before, and what she had asked him to do. But she wasn't ready yet. So she kissed him lightly. He kissed back, but pulled back and looked in her eyes. He could see the desperation and deep affection. He kissed her, and he pushed her lightly so she lay on her back. He kissed her cheek. Then her eyelid. Then her neck. He gave her gentle and loving kisses down her chest, both her breasts and her stomach. He stroked each of her legs and kissed her toes, her calf, her knee, the inside of her thigh. He reached her centre and he kissed the lowest part of her stomach. Then he moved down her legs and repeated the kisses on her other leg. Finally, he reached her beautiful centre. This was very different from last night's frenzied pent up passion. This was beautiful, giving and loving. Cal kissed her centre, putting all his love, and considerable skills, into the action and soon she came undone. He adored this woman. He slowly stroked her arms as he moved up her body, Gillian coming slowly back. He held her and kissed her. She kissed back and felt his, probably painfully hard member at her stomach. She pulled him so he was on top of her and he slid inside her. God almighty, she was so wet. The sensation alone almost made him come right then and there. She crossed her ankles behind his lower back and pulled him in a tight embrace. He began a slow tempo, and he felt like his heart could burst from the love he felt at that moment. He slowly began moving faster, and he could tell he wouldn't last long. She began panting and moaning again and the sound urged him on. He moved faster and he could feel her start to tremble. Her orgasm came and he was done. He came hard inside her. He felt like he had spent his heart at her. He fell down on her and she held him tightly, refusing to let him move. He felt a tear forming in his eye, it fell and he kissed her with all the passion he possessed.

They lay together, Cal cradling her and stroking her hair until Gillian's stomach rumbled loudly. Cal chuckled and kissed her head.

"Alright. Shower then breakfast," he untangled from her and walked to the bathroom. She heard the water running and she thought about what this all meant. Perhaps this was the perfect way to start their new friendship. Just letting all the tension and passion between them out so they could finally move on with their life...

Who was she kidding? She didn't think she could ever be just friends with him after all that had happened. She really didn't know what to do next. Neither of them was going to change, and he said that he couldn't be with her. Well, she thought, she could deal with it after breakfast.

She heard the water being turned off and soon he stood in the doorway to the bedroom wearing only a towel. She got up and walked towards him. He looked at her naked body and his face showed nothing but admiration and love. He pulled her into a hug when she was close enough and when he let her go he gave her a chaste kiss like this was just a normal morning with them. She looked as he rummaged in his closet for clothes. And then she turned to the bathroom and showered.

When she came out she realised her clothes were scattered around the house so she found a pair of shorts and a t-shirt of Cals and then made her way downstairs. A delicious smell of bacon and pancakes greeted her. Cal stood there in sweatpants and a t-shirt with his flowery apron making her breakfast. She walked to him and held his arm as she stole a piece of bacon. He slapped her hand away and steered her to the kitchen table. Soon they sat eating and she drank coffee and he drank tea.

"This is nice," she said looking at him affectionately.

"It is darling," he smiled back

The looming prospect of what was coming was hanging over them like a raincloud, like a jarring note in a familiar tune. But they decided they could ignore it for a little longer.

"You look nice in my clothes," he said, waggling his eyebrows at her. She laughed, and Cal felt as if her laughter could make everything better. But their raincloud wasn't going away so easily. They ate in silence, which became heavier with each minute.

"I said I'd meet Alec today," Gillian said apprehensively, sad that she was the one bursting their little bubble of joy.

"Oh." Cal looked at her, deflating.

"It's just, we talked yesterday…" Gillian continued

"No problem, you don't have to explain anything to me. That was the deal right?" He practically pulled the raincloud over them and started twisting it.

"I guess," she said uncertainly

"Well, have fun," he said and Gillian saw that his mask was firmly back in place and she watched as he got up from the table and cleared it.

"I left your clothes by the stairs," he indicated to a neatly folded pile that was her clothes.

Gillian stood up, gathered her clothes and went back to his bedroom.

Cal cursed loudly and banged his fist on the counter top.

A few minutes later Gillian came downstairs dressed. She looked around the kitchen and she couldn't see Cal anywhere.

"Cal!" She called.

"I'm in the study," he answered

She walked to the study and opened the door. He sat at his desk and was writing something on his computer.

"Well, I'll be going then," she said

"Yeah, alright," he said offhandedly, not looking up from his computer.

She began walked out of his study when he suddenly said "Gillian…" But he seemed to think better of it. "Take care," he added.

"Thank you." She walked out, grabbed her purse and coat and left his warm house. She walked to her car, the cold air blowing into her face. Her eyes stung with unshed tears. She sat in her car and wept loudly. She then shook her head and wiped the tears from her eyes and drove home. Why was everything so fucked up?


	5. Chapter 5

Gillian sat in her kitchen with a cup of coffee. Alec had called her and they'd made plans to eat a late lunch at a restaurant he liked and he was going to pick her up. She felt completely numb inside. She should have just left yesterday, she shouldn't have succumbed to her idiotic longings, because now she felt as if she had lost something she should never have had. She heard Alec's car pulling up the driveway and she put on her coat and looked at herself in the mirror. She reapplied her concealer to cover the slightly red area around her eyes. She was on her way to the door when she noticed a red mark on her neck. Damnit. She didn't have time to cover it so she grabbed a scarf and tied around her neck. It didn't look too bad, she thought glumly. She then took her keys and went outside.

She was quiet in the car as Alec tried to make light conversation. They'd been driving for almost an hour when Gillian stopped staring out the passenger side window. They were pulling up at a small cluster of farms, or that's what it looked like. She turned to look at Alec, who was watching her with a kind smile.

"This is the restaurant I told you about," he gestured to one of the farms.

"The owners renovated these old farms and now this is a restaurant and a bed and breakfast," he explained

Gillian looked away from him at the words bed and breakfast. Did he really think they were going to spend the night together? She couldn't imagine being with anyone except...

"This looks nice," she said, trying to sound interested

They exited the car and Alec made his way around the back of the houses but not towards the entrance of the restaurant. Gillian followed, although with some trepidation. The scenery was lovely. There was a forest on the perimeter of the houses and you could hear a stream nearby. Gillian let out a long breath. Being out there in nature was clearing her head and calming her down. How could Alec do that? Be just what she needed. She looked at him and gave him a genuine smile

"This is beautiful. How did you find this place?" She asked

"Well, this is actually my father's," he gestured to the farm houses.

"Oh, what happened to the store?" she asked.

"Well, he remarried and this was his wife's. She was going to sell it, but dad saw what potential this place had and he sold the store and moved out here," he said watching her.

"This looks great. Do they own the restaurant as well?"

"Yeah. They've completely transformed this place. Two years ago, this whole land was dilapidated and the farms were almost ruined. My father and his wife look after the bed and breakfast, and her daughter and her husband manage the restaurant," he finished

"And what is your role here?" She smiled at him

"I mainly take care of the financial side of things," he chuckled "but right after my rehab I came here and worked day and night cleaning, building and whatever I could help with," he smiled at the memory.

"I truly believe this place saved me," he added

"I can see why," Gillian said as she looked around, trying to take in as much in as she could.

"Well, are you hungry?" He said and gestured to the restaurant

"Yes," she said as they walked towards the farmhouses.

The restaurant was a very cosy place with strong wooden furniture and mismatched chairs. Lacy tablecloths adorned each table and fresh flowers stood in jars. This could have been straight out of a pricey catalogue. The restaurant was quite busy and Gillian could see that this was a very family friendly place. Many families sat there while their kids either sat with them or played in the kid's corner where there were toys and playhouses. Gillian could imagine this being a haven for tired parents with kids full of energy. She looked at the families and felt the familiar deep sadness wash over her, at the thought that this was not her fate in life. Alec lightly steered her to another corner where a table was ready for them. A woman greeted him with a kiss and handed him the menus. She regarded Gillian warily. She was probably not overly welcome here, being the woman who left Alec.

"Hi, I'm Gillian," she said, extending her hand

The other woman looked at her and then smiled

"I'm Valerie." They shook hands

"Call me when you're ready," Valerie said to Alec and gave Gillian an odd look and walked away.

Alec looked a little embarrassed, "she is very protective of her family," he said

"I can see that," she said, glad to hear that Alec had a supportive family now. That was definitely not the case when they were married.

"Some people may not be overly excited to see you here because, well, I was perhaps a little unfair in my renditions of you and our divorce," he looked at her nervously.

Gillian gave him an understanding smile.

"But dad always stopped me if I became too creative in my nagging," he said with a smile

Gillian smiled at that. She had always liked his father. He was kind and loving; strict but pragmatic, which sometimes caused a divide between him and Alec.

They looked over the menu and then Valerie came and took their order.

Alec watched Gillian, as she sat there deep in thought.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked and covered her hand that rested on the table with his own. She flinched at his touch but did not remove her hand.

"Oh, I'm fine," she tried to smile at him, but for some reason, she couldn't muster it.

She was saved the excuse as their food arrived. They ate and the conversation was light, mainly about the renovations at the restaurant. Suddenly a loud call came from the entrance to the kitchen

"Gillian!" Thomas, Alec's father yelled as he spotted her.

He walked quickly to them and engulfed her in a bear-like hug. Gillian laughed as he squeezed her tightly and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.

"Good to see you!" He gave her a once over and a small frown appeared on his good-natured face

"You're still too skinny," he said as he grabbed a chair from another table and joined them. Alec looked mildly annoyed but he knew how much his father cared for Gillian. He gave her a _-I'm sorry-_ look and smiled.

"Thomas! It's so nice to see you," Gillian said fondly.

"It's been too long sweetheart." He looked at her, and she felt like he was seeing right inside her soul. He was an incredible man.

"So, tell me everything. How's your life? Still catching liars?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Gillian smiled at him, "everything is fine. I'm still at the Lightman Group, working hard," she said.

"You were always a hard worker. So, did you get remarried, since you left this one to get his act together?" He pointed at Alec

Alec seemed a bit uncomfortable but watched Gillian

"No, I... No. There's no one." She said and she could only think about Cal.

"But I hear you got married, Thomas!" She said quickly because she couldn't stand being pitied.

"And this place is amazing," she added

"Thank you, sweetheart, you're always welcome here," he said, watching her carefully

"And yes, I got married," he said, his face glowing

"There she is," he pointed. At the bar was a friendly looking woman talking to Valerie. She noticed Thomas and walked over to them.

"This is Maria," Thomas said as he looked at his wife with loving eyes. Maria watched Thomas and bend down to kiss him sweetly. She then looked at Gillian and smiled.

"You must be the sweet Gillian," she said and walked to her and gave her a hug and a kiss. Gillian felt a bit flustered at this random act of affection from a woman she had just met.

"Ay! Dios mio!" She said looking at Gillian

"You're too skinny," she said looking at Thomas who nodded.

Gillian didn't know what to say so she just smiled.

"Doesn't that Englishman pay you enough," Thomas asked Gillian

At the mention of Cal her smile vanished instantly. She tried to cover it by looking at her plate and then tried to smile again.

But she was saved the trouble when an apron-clad girl walked in and asked to speak to Maria and Thomas. They got up and Thomas bent over to Gillian

"It was so good to see you. Do come back soon." He then added in a whisper, "you don't need to come here with him," as he gestured at Alec. Gillian gave him a small smile.

Alec and Gillian sat in silence for a while.

"Your father looks happy," she finally said to break the silence

"He is. He is." Alec looked at her, "do you wanna get going?" he asked her.

"Yes, I think that would be good," Gillian said gratefully.

They walked out and Alec said goodbye to everyone. Maria brought a bag full of food and thrust it Gillian's arms, and fussed over her, telling her she needed to care for herself. Gillian thanked her and she almost felt like crying over the unconditional affection and care she had received in this afternoon. She realised that her emotions and troubles were bleeding into her carefully controlled exterior.

They walked to the car in silence. Once they were inside the car Alec asked her,

"I hope this wasn't too much for you."

"No, no, it was nice. I liked seeing your father," she said

"There's just a lot going on in my life right now," she tried to explain

They drove from the farms and towards the city.

"Can I ask you a question, Gillian?" Alec asked.

She could hear that he was scared of hearing her answer.

"Are you in love with Cal?" He said, chancing a glance in her direction

"What… why, why would you ask me that?" Gillian said. Classic, answering a question with a question.

"I know I accused you of this when we were married, and I probably have no right asking you this, but. You don't talk about him at all. You get flustered when he's mentioned, and when I picked you up, you looked like you'd been crying," he said all of this with great care, trying to not sound accusing.

Gillian opened her mouth but no words came. Alec continued

"I do still love you Gillian, and I would love to get back together, because now I know what it is to lose you, and I don't ever want to be responsible for that again. But I also know, that if we get back together, and you're in love with him, then I don't think I could ever recover from that. I want you in my life, and if being your friend is all you can offer me then I'll take that gladly" he ended.

Gillian felt tears well up in her eyes and she didn't have the power to stop them. They fell slowly in her lap and she thought, why couldn't she just be with him and be happy? He was a changed man, a truly changed man, and she knew that he would take good care of her, and if she would only let him she could be happy. But she couldn't.

"Alec, you don't know how much I would like to be with you, but, I don't think it would be fair to you," she said as tears streamed down her cheeks. Alec looked disappointed but he seemed to have expected her answer. He cleared his throat and then reached for her hand.

"Well, friends it is then," he said trying to sound jovial and at that Gillian smiled.

"Friends!" She answered.

They drove in silence for a while until Alec asked her

"But why aren't you with him then?" He sounded more curious than accusing.

Gillian couldn't help but laugh. Why weren't they together? Well, they kept creating new reasons, and they kept stopping each other from being happy. She continued laughing, and Alec started to laugh as well, not really knowing why. It sounded so strange and pathetic why they couldn't be together when she said it out loud.

"I don't know," she said laughing, "we just aren't," her laughter died out "and we probably never will," she said and her smile fell.

"Well, I think you should just go for it," Alec said, and Gillian looked at him surprised

"I mean, he's not my biggest fan and nor I his, but Gillian, you're miserable, and I can only imagine how he's feeling," he said

"No one should deny themselves the possibility of happiness just because you have to work for it," he said and watched the road.

"And Gillian, you deserve so much to be happy," he said and she could hear he truly meant it.

Gillian looked at him and smiled, "thank you."

The rest of the drive was quiet but nice. Once they stopped in her driveway Alec exited the car with her and walked her to her front door. They hugged tightly and for a long time. Once they let go, Gillian, kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you, Alec, I really appreciate everything you did for me."

Alec smiled and stroked her cheek

"Bye," he said and walked to his car. She stood and watched him drive off and then entered her apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

Cal sat by his computer and typed like a madman. He had sat for two hours and typed like his life depended on it. He figured that since everything else in his home reminded him of her, that he should focus solely on his book. If he kept this up, he could theoretically finish it this weekend. That gave him some joy, something that he certainly did not associate with that blasted book. He wrote and wrote and wrote, only getting up for the bathroom or tea. When he looked up from a particularly long writing session, he looked at the clock. Blimey, it was nine. He realised he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite faint. He walked to the kitchen and reheated some leftover lasagna. He couldn't bear sitting at the kitchen table, not when she had sat there just this morning, so he made himself comfortable in the living room.

...

Later that night Cal looked out the dark living room window. He was feeling frustrated. He wanted to go out and cause trouble. Get in a fight or two. The thought of it made him momentarily forget that he was miserable. But it was short lived, because those nights when he went out, got pissed and went looking for trouble, nearly always ended with her in some way. She would pick him up, clean his cuts, settle his disputes. He really was a mean bastard to her. All those times she was woken up in the middle of the night to come pick him up at some seedy bar, nearly passed out with bloody knuckles and a new enemy or two, she never complained. She just picked him up and drove him home. Sometimes she even brought him to her place, to make sure he didn't go out again to cause more trouble. He remembered one night where a case had really got to him, and he had been out picking fights and had won a lot of money from some very dangerous people. She came just in time, settled his feuds and brought him to her place, cleaned him up and stayed next to him all night with a bucket as he vomited spectacularly every hour. He woke early and saw her sitting by his bed sleeping, holding a bucket and a washcloth. She looked so tired and worn out, but he had rarely seen her more beautiful. He felt like a complete dick. She was too good for him. Too pure. But that didn't stop him from benefitting from her goodness. That was the moment he decided he needed to push her away. For her own good.

...

Sunday passed in a sort of haze. Cal continued writing, barely stopping to eat. He could forget about his miserable life if he just put all his effort and energy into writing.

Cal didn't show up for work the next day. He sent a very uncharacteristic and vague email explaining he would be out of the office for a few days. No one called him or pestered him, and he knew that Gillian must have forbidden the staff from interrupting him.

A week had past when he stopped and read over what he had written. It wasn't too bad, he thought, and he had more than enough to fill a book. A smiled crept on his unshaven face. He bloody did it. He would get the publisher's off his back finally. He stood from the desk, stretched, and walked to the living room. He had earned his good scotch. He poured himself a glass and picked up his phone. He couldn't wait to tell her about the book. He found her name and was about to dial when he stopped and put down the phone. For one moment, for one glorious moment, he had forgotten about everything that had happened. Had forgotten that everything was different now. Before he would have called her and told her, listened to her squeals and invited her over for a late night scotch. They would talk and drink until it was very late, he would use the opportunity to watch her, and then she would insist on going home. And she would show up in the office the next day, looking immaculate. She would have planned a dinner to celebrate, and they would be close, flirty and cheerful. But now, he didn't know where they stood. He had touched her, kissed her, tasted her, and there was no way going back from that. How could he be around her now, as mere friends? He had loved her, and longed for her, for such a long time that he dreaded seeing her in the morning. How would she act around him? Like normal? But what would be normal now? If they behaved like before, would then nothing have changed? Could they deny that this weekend ever happened?

He didn't want that. If he could never again be with her, then he wanted to remember her, them, forever. But he didn't want to just reminisce for the remainder of his life; he wanted to be with her. To wake up every morning next to her, to spend their evenings in comfortable domesticity, and to grow old together. His heart ached at the thought of it. Because it could never be.

...

The next day Cal arrived at the Lightman Group at nine. Heidi smiled at him and bade him good morning. Cal nodded at her and walked to his office. He had received a reply from his publishers, they were ecstatic and wanted to meet to discuss the editing process and the publication. He ignored them; they could wait. He heard the familiar sound of high heels clicking out in the hallway, and he froze. There was a soft knock on his door and then she walked in. He couldn't help but feel overwhelmed seeing her. She was wearing a plain black dress, and although it looked very nice on her, the dress accompanied with her unusual paleness made Cal think that she was in mourning.

"Hi," she said softly

"Hello darling," he said tenderly. She inhaled quickly at the term of endearment, and a flash of pain crossed her face. Cal wanted nothing more than to enclose her in his arms and kiss the pain away.

"How was your week?" she asked. She was trying to get them back to normal, whatever that was.

"It's was alright. Productive," he said looking intensely at her, "and yours?" he added

"It was nice actually," she said with a small smile, thinking about the farms. Cal's face fell a little; perhaps she had decided to give Alec another chance. He was going to inquire more about Alec but decided not to. He would honour her wishes.

The silence between them became awkward. Cal became fidgety, stood up and his eyes darted around the room, and then he finally blurted out, "I finished the book," he tried to look casual but failed.

"You did?" she looked at him surprised, "When?"

"Yesterday," he looked at her, and she realised that he had finished writing the book as a means to distract himself. She observed him as he stood with his hands deep in his pockets and looked apprehensive. She smiled and approached him.

"That's great Cal." She hugged him. He hugged her back tightly, and he felt completely spent. This was never going to work. They couldn't go back to the way things were before. Their hug prolonged, as neither of them wanted to let go. Finally, Cal let go of her. He avoided her eyes and walked to the large window.

"I think I'll do a proper book tour this time," he said as he observed the busy city below them.

"Oh, ok," Gillian watched him, her heart beating faster

"The publishers wanted me to do it last time, you know, tour the country, visit universities, all that toss," he looked at her and saw she was on the verge of tears. When she looked at him, she tried to smile and look pleased for him.

"That…" she cleared her throat, "Um, that's great," she looked to the ceiling to stop the tears from falling. She took a deep shuddering breath. Cal walked slowly towards her.

"I'm being silly. I'm alright," she looked at him, and when he was in front of her, she couldn't stop the tears anymore. She had no right to cry in front of him. It was perfectly reasonable why he needed some time away from her, from them.

Cal looked at her tear streaked face. He felt so immensely sad, and he was so in love with this woman in front of him. He stepped closer and hugged her again. She grasped him and cried. Maybe him going away was good. They could both get some perspective, and things would perhaps be different, maybe even better. Cal didn't believe it. He was only ever going to be ok with her.

"Gill, I love you so much," he said. He immediately regretted his words. What was he thinking? This was exactly what he had promised her he wouldn't do. He felt her sob, and he stroked her hair.

"I'm sorry Gill. I shouldn't have said that " he said.

Gillian felt like she was coming undone, and her heart was breaking in two. All her plans for how they could remain friends, and remain close flew out the window as soon as she was in the same room as him. She was crying because she felt that the only way for them to move forward would be to go in different directions. She was terrified of losing him, but at the same time, it felt like it was inevitable. She didn't think she could ever recover from losing him.

"I love you, Cal," she whispered. Cal held his breath and clung even tighter to her.

"What are we going to do?" she asked desperately, "I don't want to lose you!"

Cal's mind was racing. This felt like a pivotal moment, where his next action would change the course of their future. Suddenly he couldn't remember the reasons why he couldn't be with her. Something about her being too good for him? Yes, that sounded familiar. But somehow it felt like a weak argument. This moment, this hug felt real, and right. Him going away felt wrong and weak. Why was this so complicated?

"Let's be together!" he said boldly. He felt Gillian freeze in his arms, but she didn't release herself from his embrace.

"Darling, I can't imagine my life without you, and I don't want you to spend your life with anyone else but me. I love you, and I want to love you for the rest of my life. I think we have a real chance of something great here. I still think you're too good for me, but I've always been a cocky sod, haven't I?" he felt her chuckle. She loosened from his embrace so she could look at him.

And when she looked at him, she suddenly knew, what had probably been blindingly obvious to everyone else. Of course, their only way forward was together. She bent forward and kissed him. He kissed her avidly back. She broke the kiss and looked at him.

"Yes… Let's do it," she said simply. Cal grabbed her and spun her in a circle, lifting her off the floor. He felt over joyous; he wanted to shout from the rooftops that he was the luckiest man in the world.

"Hey, dad!" Suddenly the door to Cal's office flung open, and Emily walked in, nose buried in her phone.

"I…" Emily looked up and gaped at the sight in front of her, "Whaa…" She was completely dumbfounded.

Cal was still holding Gillian, who was bright red in the face. He slowly put her on the floor but still held her closely. Neither of them seemed to know what to say, nor what to do. The seconds seemed to fly past them, and still, no one said anything. A huge grin was spreading on Emily's face, and Cal was slowly regaining his senses.

"Uhm.." he reluctantly let go of Gillian and walked towards his daughter, "One moment," he said as he steered Emily out of his office.

"You're together, you finally did i.." she said excitedly as her father slammed the office door in her face.

"Go away Em," Cal shouted at the closed door. He turned around and looked at Gill, who stood at the same place, her dress still slightly crinkled after he picked her up, and her cheeks flushed. He walked slowly to her again, never taking his eyes off her. He grabbed her firmly and kissed her. Gill melted into his embrace and couldn't stop a wanton moan to escape her throat. A sort of growl came from Cal as he held her even tighter. With willpower he didn't know he had, he broke the kiss. They looked at each other and read the love in each other's faces.

They finally did it.

The end


End file.
